Oprah says that life speaks to you in a whisper.  I have a hard time paying attention to the whispers, even though I do believe that things don't usually just happen to people out of the blue.  Our lives are so cluttered with obligations, technology, careers, family, relationships and general noise that quiet intuition is so hard to hear.  It's not hard, however, to come up with a list of gut feelings I've had, even thinking over only the last week.  From the whisper telling me to keep someone I love from having another drink, to something that said this student is not JUST having a bad day.  One feeling I ignored and the other I acknowledged, and the results were obvious.

The loudest whisper I've heard in awhile happened yesterday, and I won't be avoiding the message.  I left Mom's house to drive home to Rockwall, and had not made it out of the neighborhood before I turned around to find Hazel asleep.  As I turned back around to face the road, I saw a little boy on a bicycle riding in the middle of the street, heading toward my front bumper.  He was enjoying the day, oblivious to my presence.  Because I was paying attention, I had enough time to move over and avoid hitting him, but if I had been texting, or tending to Hazel, or choosing a new album for the ride home, I would have probably killed him.  I had a flash in my mind of how my life could have changed in that instant.  I saw myself holding that kid in the street while Hazel screamed from her car seat.  I imagined his parents and paramedics arriving on the scene.  I shuddered thinking about how many times I've heard the whisper telling me to pay attention while I'm driving and let everything else wait for later.

I will block out the noise.  I will NOT take my eyes off the road.

Kids say the dumbest darndest things.  We are reading the play, The Tell-Tale Heart, and I am trying to get my students excited about it.  I tell them it's about GUILT and MURDER and...Front-Row Joe interrrupts me and asks "Is this the friendly kind of murder?"(Blank stare from me) "Because I don't really like nice murder.  You know, where they hold pillows over their faces and stuff."  This is going to be a long day. 

Whatever it is

Because I'm sick, I'm dusting off my blog.  While Hazel plays in the backyard, I'm sitting with the laptop, considering my 1/3 life crisis or whatever it is.  Lou Reed was right about today.  It's perfect.  So beautiful in fact, that any stress I am feeling right now seems unreasonable.

Things are good at home.
Football season is a blessing.  I get three months of the year to reflect on and appreciate what a great husband I have and when I start to forget it or take him for granted, August comes around again and I, like football widows everywhere, get ready to hold down the fort until the holidays.  As hard as this time of year is, I know for sure that it keeps my marriage strong.

Work is fine.
Moving back from AVID to 6th grade has been a unique challenge.  I was shut off in a corner of the building last year, lumped in with the other elective teachers, so nicely forgotten about by administration and anyone else who cares about teacher accountability and/or test scores.  I had no department meetings, no one to plan with and no assessments to prepare for.  I taught my students about how fun college can be.  I taught them how to shake hands properly and resolve conflict.  I helped them get into magnet schools by helping write essays and prepare for interviews.  We asked high level questions and had debates about things that mattered to them.  I did what I wanted and no one ever questioned my methods or told me I needed to fill out a focused instructional planning form.  All of my students passed their writing test in April.  No one cared or mentioned it, and I was HAPPY.

Teaching reading is...different.  Pressure and teacher accountability are high.  I plan with a team and we are expected to be doing the same thing on any given day.  I got used to being an island, and now I'm landlocked in tornado alley.  I am back to being surrounded by coworkers, while my social interactions last year were minimal.  I thought I was lonely before, but at this point I'd like to go back to my cave.  People are too complicated.  Teachers are TOO complicated.  Not to be misunderstood, I'm happy this year.

Soooo, the stress?  I don't know why I'm anxious, or maybe I do, but it doesn't matter so much why.  What I know for sure is that I just need to KIT.  My life is good, and being thirty shouldn't give me any reason to want things to be any different.

Now, because I'm sick, I'm going to take a nap